fourhundredandtwentyone.
Joshua Radin - Only You
I don't care if anything I write in this post doesn't make sense, it was a continuous stream of consciousness and I really can't be bothered to look back through it to see if it made sense. Whatever, WHINGE AHOY!
I'm so fucking bored and tired and lonely and fed up of just being here. I HATE where I live. Hate it. It's fucking inane and monotonous and repetitious that it makes me want to go out and fuck shit up from sheer frustration. I'm sick to the back teeth of the people, not my friends, but everyone else that makes me feel unwelcome or out of place. I want for my friends to all live closer so I can go out with them, go out to pubs and get cunted on booze, or persuade some of them to go to gigs with me or actually have friends that like similar music to me and want to go to the same gigs I do. Or just want to chill with some music on in the backgroud and to just, y'know, talk and hang out. Everyone seems so preoccupied and so wrapped up with everyone else, I kind of feel out of sorts. Like I don't belong here. I'm different, God, I've known that for years. But I've never felt more different or like I don't fit in as much as I have for like the past year or so. I don't share the same music tastes as my friends. It might seem trivial to a lot of people, but a great deal of my life is spent listening to music or doing something music-orientated and for me to not be able to talk about the music I like or discuss music I deem good is so so frustrating. Everyone seems happy enough with listening to whatever is force-feed to them instead of actively seeking out something that is outstanding and actually makes you think and just fucking feel y'know? Well, I doubt anyone does but whatever, I'm rambling. As well as that is film tastes. I go to the cinema pretty much every week and usually end up seeing a film I don't particularly want to see as I'd rather watch something else. People seem too narrow-minded to try something different for once (case in point, any film with subtitles is immediately disregarded). Music and film are just two examples but it's pretty much everything. Everyone seems to have one opinion but I tend to disagree with it completely but because I can't articulate what I mean or argue my case properly, I don't bother standing up for my point. Now, having differences is good, but when it seems to be every single fucking thing, it makes me think, why are we even friends? It probably seems as if I don't like my friends, that's far from my point, they are great but it'd be really nice to once in a while be able to talk about and do things that I like as opposed to what everyone else thinks or feels. I don't think for one minute that any of them will really care or miss me if I go to university. I'd like to think differently or be proved wrong but I really don't think it'll make much difference me not being here anymore. Maybe it's just me though, maybe I'm just too different, or too narcissistic. It's not just people, this place. Fuck. Ing. Hell. It's infuriating to think, if I lived somewhere else, anywhere else, that I'd probably be out doing the things that I want to do. Everything is so spread out and far away here that it's so difficult to go to the places I want to or do the things I want regularly. And, I mean, how the fuck do I make new friends or anything when the only people I ever see are my existing friends, my workmates or the fucking no hoper arrogant cunts that frequent my village? Then again, how do I make new friends anyway? Hah. I'm sick of always being skint too. That's partly my fault and partly work. I don't want to work more hours because I know it will turn me into an even more miserable, spiteful wanker but I know I'll have to in order to have some sort of income so I can buy things to cheer myself up and appeal to the materialistic side of me. I'm in this shitty transitional period in my life where I'm just waiting for shit to happen. I'm agitated that I'm still going to be stuck here for another, ooooh, four months, stuck in the same shitty routine, doing the same things. Argh, even just typing it right now is making me angry and fucking furious. I went out last weekend and it was fucking brilliant, but when will I go out and properly hang out with all my friends again? I won't, if I'm totally honest. All I've done this week is stayed up til stupid o'clock and then slept all day or wasted it in front of the TV or at my computer. I want change. I want some sort of bastard variety to my life. I want to go to gigs and to get pissed and hug people and lay some high fives on and to just party down but due to all the factors mentioned, I can't.
Ah, that's better.
I don't care if anything I write in this post doesn't make sense, it was a continuous stream of consciousness and I really can't be bothered to look back through it to see if it made sense. Whatever, WHINGE AHOY!
I'm so fucking bored and tired and lonely and fed up of just being here. I HATE where I live. Hate it. It's fucking inane and monotonous and repetitious that it makes me want to go out and fuck shit up from sheer frustration. I'm sick to the back teeth of the people, not my friends, but everyone else that makes me feel unwelcome or out of place. I want for my friends to all live closer so I can go out with them, go out to pubs and get cunted on booze, or persuade some of them to go to gigs with me or actually have friends that like similar music to me and want to go to the same gigs I do. Or just want to chill with some music on in the backgroud and to just, y'know, talk and hang out. Everyone seems so preoccupied and so wrapped up with everyone else, I kind of feel out of sorts. Like I don't belong here. I'm different, God, I've known that for years. But I've never felt more different or like I don't fit in as much as I have for like the past year or so. I don't share the same music tastes as my friends. It might seem trivial to a lot of people, but a great deal of my life is spent listening to music or doing something music-orientated and for me to not be able to talk about the music I like or discuss music I deem good is so so frustrating. Everyone seems happy enough with listening to whatever is force-feed to them instead of actively seeking out something that is outstanding and actually makes you think and just fucking feel y'know? Well, I doubt anyone does but whatever, I'm rambling. As well as that is film tastes. I go to the cinema pretty much every week and usually end up seeing a film I don't particularly want to see as I'd rather watch something else. People seem too narrow-minded to try something different for once (case in point, any film with subtitles is immediately disregarded). Music and film are just two examples but it's pretty much everything. Everyone seems to have one opinion but I tend to disagree with it completely but because I can't articulate what I mean or argue my case properly, I don't bother standing up for my point. Now, having differences is good, but when it seems to be every single fucking thing, it makes me think, why are we even friends? It probably seems as if I don't like my friends, that's far from my point, they are great but it'd be really nice to once in a while be able to talk about and do things that I like as opposed to what everyone else thinks or feels. I don't think for one minute that any of them will really care or miss me if I go to university. I'd like to think differently or be proved wrong but I really don't think it'll make much difference me not being here anymore. Maybe it's just me though, maybe I'm just too different, or too narcissistic. It's not just people, this place. Fuck. Ing. Hell. It's infuriating to think, if I lived somewhere else, anywhere else, that I'd probably be out doing the things that I want to do. Everything is so spread out and far away here that it's so difficult to go to the places I want to or do the things I want regularly. And, I mean, how the fuck do I make new friends or anything when the only people I ever see are my existing friends, my workmates or the fucking no hoper arrogant cunts that frequent my village? Then again, how do I make new friends anyway? Hah. I'm sick of always being skint too. That's partly my fault and partly work. I don't want to work more hours because I know it will turn me into an even more miserable, spiteful wanker but I know I'll have to in order to have some sort of income so I can buy things to cheer myself up and appeal to the materialistic side of me. I'm in this shitty transitional period in my life where I'm just waiting for shit to happen. I'm agitated that I'm still going to be stuck here for another, ooooh, four months, stuck in the same shitty routine, doing the same things. Argh, even just typing it right now is making me angry and fucking furious. I went out last weekend and it was fucking brilliant, but when will I go out and properly hang out with all my friends again? I won't, if I'm totally honest. All I've done this week is stayed up til stupid o'clock and then slept all day or wasted it in front of the TV or at my computer. I want change. I want some sort of bastard variety to my life. I want to go to gigs and to get pissed and hug people and lay some high fives on and to just party down but due to all the factors mentioned, I can't.
Ah, that's better.
2 Comments:
At 3:29 AM,
Stephanie Jewell said…
Hey Gar!
ya know, ive felt like this too, sort of went through this sort of am still going through this.
what happened was i had all these friends at school and then i moved schools. there was the usual: "ill miss you"s and "well hang outon weekends definately" and "well talk on the net and the phone heaps". they lie.
i havent seen them in the two years that ive been at my new school. theyve got on with their clicky social lives, no seriously they now hang around the skanks and the no hopers, and whenever id call, theyd never get back to me, whenever i messaged them theyd never reply, im pretty sure they blocked me on msn too.
i was devastated. but what ive learnt from this:
if they dont want to get off their fat lazy clicky backsides and call me, and if they want to give up our friendships, then so be it, ill give up theirs too.
so yeah i pretty much have hardly any friends now and im miserable in the friends department too, but at least im miserable on my own accord and it isnt coz theyre bringing me down or forgetting to call me.
in regards to where you live:
you should come to australia :D
the music scene is awesome over here and the "norm" is foo fighters, punk music, dashboard confessional, all that stuff. even if its just for a holiday at least youll get cheered up ^_^ but come to perth because it has great beaches :P
and there are so many people into teh same music as you youll never be lonely at a gig either.
At 12:26 AM,
Gareth said…
I don't want this to sound harsh but it's gonna seem it; what has that comment got anything to do with the post? To be honest and totally blunt, I don't actually care about what happened with you and your friends. Things are totally and utterly different with me and mine. They aren't going to ignore me, I just think I won't be missed all that much by them.
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